The Post-it Note Trick!

Does your child struggle to get through an assignment without getting stuck? Is he/she constantly asking you for help?!  Here is a fun and easy trick to increase your child’s independence while completing schoolwork:

Grab a stack of post-it notes and cut them into strips. Teach your child that, when he/she comes across an item they do not know, to flag it, and move on. Then, designate a time that you will sit down with your child to go over any items that have been flagged.  Some children may need to fix the items on that assignment before moving on to the next task whereas others are better at doing all of the their work and circling back to the flagged items all at once.

Hint: This works for adults too! 

~Dr. Sam

Let's be Rational...

Right now we are talking to a lot of people who are ‘catastrophizing’ or thinking about the worst case scenarios. However, thinking in extreme terms and only focusing on the negative can have a tremendous impact on how you feel and how you act. 

Here is an example…
“This is terrible and is never going to end. I can’t get through this”.

versus

“This has been difficult and has lasted longer than I thought it would. Although it has been hard, I have made it this far”.

In the first example, the wording is likely to lead to feelings of hopelessness, anxiety and maybe even anger. When you feel and think this way, your behavior is more likely to be impacted. You might withdrawal and give up trying to cope, you might be angry and irritable to those around you, or you might experience difficulty concentrating and getting things done. 

In the second example, which is still accurate but more rational, the associated feelings are likely to be slightly less negative; maybe you feel stressed and frustrated but still in control. When your emotions are more manageable, you will be better able to control how you act. 

So, try to catch the negative thoughts and replace them with more rational thoughts. Avoid extreme words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ and try to focus on things that have been slightly more positive or even just OK. It is OK to just be OK right now!

~Dr. Sam 

Catching Good Behavior

It seems that a lot of us are falling into a negative cycle with our children. Arguing, fighting and tears… power struggles and kids refusing to comply. So how do you break that cycle?  Here are a few simple tips to create more positive interactions with your child(ren).

Catch your child being good!  While it is easy to focus on all of the things your child is refusing to do or his/her attitude while doing them, don’t forget the importance of praising your child when they are making good choices. This can be as simple as “Thank you for having a good attitude today” or “Nice job getting that worksheet done”. Remember, children will be much more compliant when they want to please you!  If they never feel appreciated, they will lose motivation and act out for your attention in negative ways. 

Stick to the 3:1 rule. For every negative statement or encounter with your child, try to balance that with 3 positive statements/encounters. This will help keep you on the positive track and will again increase your child’s desire to be good.

If you are having a hard time finding things to praise, you can always start with statements such as, “I really enjoyed watching that movie with you last night” or “I appreciate you trying to tell me how hard this is for you”. Avoid the power struggles. 

If you need to take a couple days off of schoolwork to reset and regain the positive momentum, do it. Play a game or do something with your child that they are motivated to do – then start the praise and positive cycle that way!

COVID-19 & OCD

Many individuals living with OCD are finding their overall anxiety levels spiked, making it even harder to resist urges to engage in compulsive behaviors. This is particularly true for those with hand-washing and other cleaning rituals as the goal is typically to decrease how often you do these things! Obviously, the rules have changed a bit. Here are some tips to help kids, teens and adults with OCD or for family and friends trying to support them!

If hand-washing and/or excessive cleaning are one of your compulsive behaviors, it is still very important to follow current guidelines being recommended by the CDC/WHO. Remember, your goal is to engage in cleaning behaviors that are ‘typical’ or what most other people do. Right now, this is the new typical.

You can still use this time to practice Response Prevention. It is likely you will continue to have urges to hand-wash or clean even more than what is being recommended. Recognize those urges and continue to practice pushing through them. If you are unsure what is typical versus excessive, ask a friend or family member, or reach out to a professional. 

Avoid excessive news watching and be aware of your tendency to check the news in a compulsive way. Set a limit for yourself, for example, one, 5-minute news check per day, and stick to it. If you find yourself more anxious each time you check the news or the answer you were looking for is never offered, you are likely in a compulsive cycle and need to break it. It is OK to tell your family to avoid talking about it too!

Try not to spend too much time worrying about how this time might be a set-back in your treatment or progress. As long as you set limits for yourself, and continue to resist urges in a healthy way, you are progressing while also keeping yourself safe!

~Dr. Sam

Couples Counseling?

Now that the majority of us are working from home with our significant others, the meaning behind the phrase, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” has never been more clear! If you and your significant other are struggling to get along, co-parent, or just co-exist in the same space all day long, these tips are for you!

Schedule Time Apart. As funny as it sounds, it is very important that you have time to yourself. For some, this may be 20 minutes here orthere. For others, this may be entire evenings spent in separate rooms. There is no right or wrong or “should”. Talk to your partner about what you need and schedule it!

Break the rules. If both of you are working from home and trying to take care of children simultaneously, start thinking outside of the box for ways to make this more manageable. Can you change your work schedule from the typical 9 to 5? Maybe work fewer hours during the week but make them up over the weekend? Or, pick a couple of days per week where one of you works earlier in the morning or later in the evening so childcare during the day is easier. Alternatively, reach out to your child’s teacher to see if they can complete more of their assignments over the weekend so you are more available to help them.

Use your time wisely. Use this time to find new ways to connect with your partner. Have a game night or complete a project together. Or, both of you write down 5 fun things to do together and each day pick one out of a hat.

Give your partner a break. Just as you are feeling the stress of everything that is happening, so is your partner. Remember to check in and see how they are doing and ask what they need to feel supported. Remember, it is OK if their needs are different than yours!

~Dr. Sam

Validating Disappointment

Many of us are facing big disappointments as more and more events and activities are cancelled. For children and teens this may include sports, clubs, music, dance, prom, graduation. The list goes on and on. We are getting a lot of questions from parents asking how to support their children through these losses. Here are some tips that may help. 

Validation. Again, it is OK to agree with them that this is hard. This sucks. This is unfair." Fight the urge to follow-up that up with a “But, it will be OK” or “Things could be worse”. For them, there is nothing worse. Instead, follow-up it up with a hug and stay quiet. Let them know it is OK to feel that way. 

Avoid What if’s: There are a lot of questions about how long this is going to last and what that means for the activities and events we are longing for. Because we don’t necessarily have an answer for when we can go back to these things or exactly what the time out of activities means, it is just unhelpful to spend a lot of time worried about it. 

Focus on Here and Now: Instead, encourage your child to focus on the here and now, one day and one week at a time. If you were going back to practice next week, what would you do this week to get ready? What can we do here to stay sharp on your violin skills? Where can you get some practice, even if it looks different for a while? This is great problem solving, thinking outside the box, and will help your child feel more in control of the situation. 

~Dr. Sam

Pause & Reset

The weekend is the perfect time to hit the 'pause' and 'reset' button. Take some time this weekend to think about what has been working and what hasn't been working with the new routine your family is trying to find. This should happen in 2 parts. 

First, check in with your partner or any other caregivers in your home. Have this conversation with them first. Remember to leave behind any judgments (of them or you!) and stick to the facts. What has been working? What is not working? Make a list of what hasn't been working (your partner should do the same). Be sure to give your partner credit for what they have been doing and validate what has been difficult. Once you have compared notes, talk strategy and compromise.

Next, have a family meeting. This could be a great conversation for the dinner table or later on tonight. Children love being note takers so you could even get a big poster board and have your child(ren) make lists of what is working and what isn't, and then a final column of suggestions. This will be a great chance for your child to have some input and for you to get some feedback. You might be surprised at what he/she has to say. If there are a lot of things that don't seem to be working, pick just a few to work on for the next week. Trying to make too many changes at once might be more stressful. 

Plan to check in with your family every weekend in this format. This will allow your situation to remain fluid and flexible and just knowing that it is may relieve some of your stress on those days that just don't go well. 

~Dr. Sam

Homeschooling

Many schools are now closed for another month, if not longer. Many parents are feeling the stress of trying to fill their child’s day with academics so they “don’t fall behind”. This is a brief reminder that the power struggles and tears are not worth it. Unless your child has online learning or actual assignments being given to them with deadlines, it is OK to ease up a bit and focus more on natural learning. Here is what we mean:

1. Make dinner together (math and measurement).

2. Have your child create a game or activity for the family. If you have multiple children, each child can be in charge of one night (planning, organizing, leadership skills). 

3. Read to your child. Pick a bigger, fun book and read a chapter every night before bed (language skills, social skills, a reminder that reading can be fun and relaxing!). 

4. Play school. Have your child teach you (academic skills, leadership, pretend play = social/emotional development)!

5. Let your child help with projects around the house. Maybe something is broken that needs to be fixed or painted? Clean out a closet and have your child help sort what should be kept versus donated (basic life skills, fine motor skills, problem solving). 

Remember, home comes first (before school) and there are no rules for this situation. Being with your child, including them in what you are doing, engaging yourself in what they are doing is AMAZING and teaching them very important skills and lessons. Trust us, your child is learning and growing and will not be behind. In fact, your child just might be in a more self-secured, emotionally healthy place that will enhance their ability to learn once he/she returns to school!

~Dr. Sam

Validating Anxiety

Mr. Rogers said: “If it’s human, it’s mentionable. If it’s mentionable, it’s manageable”.

We love this quote because it is so applicable to anxiety. The more you avoid talking (and even thinking) about what makes you worried, scared, or nervous, the greater the anxiety you will have for that fear. This also applies to children. Avoiding the “elephant in the room” does not lessen their fears, it only sends the message that it is not OK to talk about how they are feeling and what they are worried about. 

We suggest to instead ask what your child is thinking and how they are feeling. Let them tell you how much they already know before giving them more information than they need. More important than giving lots of details is focusing on how they are feeling. Then, you can use basic validation to let them know that you hear what they are saying, you understand their fears, and that it is OK to feel that way. 

The most important rule for validation is to avoid the word “but”. If you say, I hear that you are scared BUT you will be alright, your child will feel unheard. Instead, push through your gut reaction to fix your child’s pain and just validate the feelings they are having. When offering reassuring thoughts, use the word “and” so your child knows they have been heard AND you can give them accurate information to make them feel more in control of the situation. Here are some examples:

“I can tell you are really worried about grandma. I am too. When I get worried about her, I call her to say Hi and let her know that I miss her. Also, for right now, we aren’t visiting grandma to help keep her healthy, just like we have been instructed to do. We are doing everything we can to keep Grandma healthy so the only other thing to do is to reach out to her as much as we can to help her not feel lonely. She loves when we talk to her, it makes her very happy. Is there something you want to do to show grandma you are thinking of her?”

“Wow, someone told you that you might die from the coronavirus? That is a very scary thing to hear. I’m sorry they said that and you have been thinking about that for a while. And, I do know that, when people are scared, they sometimes say things they don’t mean or they pass along information that isn’t true. I wonder if your friend was just scared and said something without really thinking it through. Right now we are doing what we have been told will help us to stay healthy and get through this. It is our job (parents, caregivers) to keep you safe so just let me know if you want to know all the things we are doing to protect you and our family. Or, you can just trust that we are and focus on the downtime we have for a few weeks.”

~Dr. Sam

Progressive Muscle Relaxation for Kids (And adults)

Here is a fun way to help your child (and yourself) relax their body, which will help to decrease stress and tension, and should make falling asleep easier. This is a great exercise to do with your child before bed but can also be done any time during the day. If you notice a certain body part feels more achy or tense, focus on that area a couple of times throughout the day. 

Here’s how it works:

 (Before bed) Turn on a sound machine or soft music for white noise. Turn the lights down. 

 Start with the toes. Tell your child to curl them under as hard as they can like they are squishing them in the mud. Hold this for a few seconds and then relax. Do this 3 times. 

 Then move on to their feet, legs, belly, arms, hands, shoulders, and then face. Be sure to do each muscle group one at a time, hold the muscles tight for a few seconds and then release. The more creative you can be as you go through each body part the better. For example, for shoulders, you could stretch both arms up like a cat. 

 Be sure to point out the difference between feeling tense and relaxed. 

 At the end, have your child tense all of their muscles, hold for a few seconds and then relax like a floppy spaghetti noodle!

This is a fun way to end the evening and help your little one relax before bed. It works just the same for adults so be sure to do it with them!

~Alison

A Focus on Control

Screens & Teens

OK, so your teen/pre-teen is stuck inside and may not make it to tomorrow if they do not get to talk to their friends ALL.DAY.LONG. What do you do? 

While being on the computer and social media all day is not ideal, allowing your child to connect to his/her friends on a regular basis is very important to combat symptoms of anxiety and depression and as they mitigate these tough times. Here are a few tips that may help:

1. Make sure your teen is in on the conversation regarding their daily schedule. Rather than making rules limiting social media time (or video games), have them help you create a list of things to accomplish for the day. Remember, 'homeschool' is different than regular school and typically only needs to be an hour or 2 per day (not all day). So, some academic time/reading, basic chores, physical activity, fresh air, and some down time/relaxation time. Then pepper in the online/social media time off and on throughout the day. 

2. It is still important to monitor what sites your teen is visiting and it is OK (more than OK) to have access to your teens passwords and social media accounts. Boredom and a lack of supervision may lead to poor choices so make sure your child knows he/she is still being supervised despite the extra time they are allowed to be online.

3. Just like with younger kids, use the internet to your benefit. Join your teen in exploring an online museum and talk about dream vacations, or use pinterest to find a project to do together. 

4. It is still important to set a time at night when electronics are turned off and phones are handed over. Again, stick to similar sleep schedules and rules for how much your teen is allowed to isolate in his/her room. If each night you are able to plan something for your family to do, you are not taking social media away but rather having your teen do something fun and positive at home (e.g., play a game, do a puzzle, bake cookies together).

~Dr. Sam

Screen Time & Young Children

If you had asked us 2 weeks ago, our response to how much screen time your toddler or young child should get would have been much different. But, we understand that we all need to adapt to our children being home all day and us, as caregivers, needing time to work or maintain our own sanity! Here are a couple of tips to occupy your little ones...

1. Try to pick educational shows and videos and watch them with your child. Ask your children questions about what they are watching. For toddlers, point out new words or concepts: "Look! A big elephant and a small elephant. Two Elephants!" Then take out a stuffed elephant and talk about the similarities/differences. 

2. For slightly older children, ask questions about how characters are feeling and what might happen next in the story.

3. There are many interactive videos on YouTube Kids that you can do with your child. Try a video on sign-language or yoga with your child! 

4. Use a video to create an educational lesson. For example, watch a video with a song about the days of the week, and then look at a calendar and talk about what the day, date, month is, etc...

Be sure to alternate activities so the use of an iPad or TV is only 30 or so minutes at a time. This might also be a good reinforcer for good behavior... "If you can play quietly for 30 minutes, then we will do a video together!" 

If you need your child to watch something so you can get a much needed break, do it and let go of the guilt. These are unchartered waters and your ability to stay calm with your child is most important!

~ Dr. Sam

The Importance of Sleep

Does my child still need to go to bed early?!

Many of us are working from home and have our kids at home with us. Our schedules are off and our responsibilities and commitments are less. Just like in the summer, we are all quick to change our sleeping habits, staying up later but not always sleeping in longer. 

Lack of sleep can (and usually does) impact anxiety, our mood, our behavior, and even how much we eat! This is certainly true for kids and teenagers who need more sleep than most people realize. 

As such, it is very important to continue to set reasonable bedtimes, really not much more than 30 minutes to an hour later than what your child is accustomed to. If your children are still getting up at the same time, they should go to bed at the same time. 

Typically children 3 to 6-years old need 10 to 13 hours of sleep per day. Children 6 to 12-years old need 9 to 12 hours of sleep per day and children 12 to 18-years old need 8 to 10 hours of sleep per day. 

As you work on setting other schedules and activities for your child, be sure to incorporate a good sleep schedule as well!

~Dr. Sam

Controlling Anxious Thoughts

A lot of anxiety is caused by feeling like you have no control over something. This may be especially true for some people currently as we deal with something that is unknown and we do not know what to expect. BUT, there is always something we can control and focusing on that may alleviate some anxiety. It may be particularly helpful to write down your specific worries and then a list of what you can control. Here is an example:

"I am worried about my mom who is in a nursing home and I cannot visit her" What can I control?

1. I can call her every day to check in.
2. I can send her pictures of her grandchildren and have them FaceTime with her.
3. I can check in with nurses regularly to see how she is feeling. 
4. I can order her a few nice things to keep her occupied and have them delivered to her. 

Once you have written down everything you can control, it is time to let go of the anxiety regarding the situation. It will not change the situation but only make you feel worse while you are coping with it. 

Lastly, put aside all of your "what ifs". If something goes wrong, you will reassess your options and handle it then. Worrying about or waiting for something bad to happen is unhelpful and will only contribute to your anxiety. 

P.S. This works for kids and teenagers too!

~Dr. Sam

Managing Depression

Today's tip is more for teens and adults who struggle with symptoms of depression and already have a difficult time getting motivated each day to get out of bed and to do things. The next couple of weeks could worsen symptoms just by having to be more isolated from others, having fewer obligations that make you go out, and increases in anxiety.

In general, we suggest changing thoughts of "I can't do this or that" to "What can I do?" This is even more important for the next few weeks. With this in mind, below are a list of suggestions that might help.

1. Stay on schedule and still get up at a reasonable time. Shower and get dressed for the day. Wearing sweats or pajamas will make you feel more like laying around and can negatively impact your mood.

2. Set small, tangible goals each day. For example, instead of saying you are going to clean the whole kitchen, make a goal to clean out one cupboard or that pesky junk drawer! If you feel up for more after that, great! If not, you have still accomplished your goal. 

3. Try to include some sort of physical activity in your schedule each day. Pull a few weeds, go for a walk, even light cleaning can get your blood flowing.

4. Avoid naps. If you get tired during the day, try to find something else to do until that urge passes. Goal directed activities like baking cookies or doing a puzzle might help.

5. Reach out to positive people in other ways; for example, reconnect with a phone call to a friend or emails to check in on others. Be sure to talk to someone everyday just for casual conversation. 

6. If you are in therapy or see a psychiatrist, find ways to still check in. Most of us are offering teletherapy if not still face-to-face sessions. 

~ Dr. Sam

Maintaining a Schedule for Your Child

There is lots of buzz online about how to fill your child's day while he/she is out of school. All of these ideas are great and creative! In addition to keeping your child scheduled and busy, it is also important that they know what to expect. This includes schedules and activities, but also basic changes like who will be watching them. Visual schedules (a list or a big desk top calendar) are great tools to tell AND show kids what each day might look like. This is especially important if most of your days will be different; for example, "Tomorrow you will stay with your Aunt. I will drop you off around 8am and your grandmother will pick you up at 4pm. She will stay with you until I get home and then we can make dinner together and watch a movie" Review the plans for the next day each night so that is one less thing your child has to worry about before going to sleep. It also gives them the chance to ask any questions they may have. Older kids can handle looking ahead at several days at once while younger children may do better just thinking about one day at a time.  

~Dr. Sam